Botch Cookies and Dairy Free Milk


A year or two ago, on my old channel, I tried out for you Simple Truth Almond Milk from Kroger Stores.  I also critiqued Boysenberry Shortbread cookies (available at more stores than that).  And in the time since, 1) I have shaved; and 2) I have sampled many other milks, none of them dairy.  So if you have milk allergies or your system has inevitably stopped produced the gut fauna that lets people consume milk as children, I hope this list helps you.  Not everything on it is from a Kroger store brand, so even if you don’t have one around you this is useful.  I also 3) grew my hair back out again, and 4) I tried to make an original cookie recipe


These were supposed to be unfrosted “bloody spearheads for Bart” based on a throwaway line from a Simpsons Christmas Special in the late 90’s, where Marge decorated his cookies different from what the girls had.  I couldn’t find the clip, I’m afraid.  Same shape, different color scheme.

I had the idea to mix in black tea and lemon into cookie dough, but the best I could find was Lemon Lift black tea from Bigelow brand.  Stirring it in (sans bag) dried up the dough a bit.  And I was having a hard time cutting the dough into tree shapes.  So I packed it into the cookie cutters, but then they came out the size of scones.  Maybe that has something to do with replacing powdered sugar with blue agave nectar, and the butter with Extra Virgin Olive Oil.  Better for your blood sugar, and packing more nutrients.  And they still didn’t have the color I needed for the “blood” in time for the Christmas Cosplay gathering I was bringing these to.  So, tree shaped scones made from cookie dough that tasted like lemon poppy seed muffins.  If you want to call this a Christmas miracle, given the time crunch and pressure I was under, I’ll take it.

I think next time, I will add 1 cup of Arnold Palmer bottled tea to the eggs and beat them all together first.  This will address the color and dryness shortcomings.  Putting in the dry leaf from 10 bags dried up the dough a bit.  So if we put another 10 bags into a more liquid mix and let it sit before adding it, we can avoid sogginess AND the dryness.  Then for the “Blood,” I’ll just puree 2 tablespoons paprika and 2 tablespoons red sprinkles to 1 cup frozen mixed berries dusted with paprika, and another cup mixed berries, also dusted with paprika.

All 0% measures not listed.  Only putting things on this list that are measured with a quantity.

Simple Truth Almond Milk

Taste: Somewhere between almonds and milk, this is a light flavor, noncompetitive with the cereal you add it to.  Sadly you cannot say the same about adding it to tea.

Nutrients: 40 Calories; 30 Fat Calories; 3gTotal Fat (5%); 0.5g Polyunsaturated Fat; 2g Monounsaturated Fat; 180mg Sodium (8%); 190mg Potassium (5%); 2g Total Carbohydrates (1%); 1g Dietary Fiber (4%); less than 1g Sugars; 1g Protein; 10% Vitamin A; 45% Calcium; 4% Iron; Vitamin D 25%; 50% Vitamin E; 2% Riboflavin; 4% Phosphorus; 4% Magnesium; 2% Zinc.

Simple Truth Chocolate Almond Milk

Taste: see video above

How do the nutrients differ from Simple Truth Almond Milk: 120 Calories; 25 Fat Calories; 150mg Sodium 6%; 250mg Potassium 7%; 22g Carbohydrates 7%; 20g Sugars; 6% Iron; 6% Magnesium;

Simple Truth Coconut Milk

Taste: It’s definitely thicker than almond milk. A little bit sweeter too.  I found it was great for cooling off salsa that could burn the mouths of gods.  Made it taste like Thai soup.  Which is spicy, but many are made with coconut milk.  I find it very useful outside of beverages (but I haven’t tried it in Mac & Cheese yet).

Nutrients: 80 Calories; 50 Fat calories; 5g Fat 8%; 5g Saturated Fat 25%; 55 mg Sodium 2%; 7g Total Carbohydrate 2%; 6g Sugars; 1g Protein; Vitamin A 10%; Calcium 45%; Iron 4%; Vitamin D 25%; Vitamin B12 50%.

Silk Chocolate Almond Milk

Taste: a little sweeter and not as intense as the Simple Truth variety.

Nutrients: 100 Calories; 20 Fat Calories; 2.5g Total Fat 4%; 1.5g Monounsaturated Fat; 230mg Sodium 9%; 130mg Potassium 4%; 19g Total Carbohydrate 6%; 17g Sugars; Vitamin C 35%; Iron 8%; Vitamin E 20%; Magnesium 6%; (Phosphorous and Zinc not listed)

Blue Diamond Cashew Almond Milk

Taste: not much to go on.  Tastes a little chalkier than some others, but is thicker with a creamy texture.  But it’s still a leaner alternative to Almond milk that keeps the benefits.

Nutrients: 25 Calories; 15 Fat Calories; 2g Total Fat 3%; 1g monounsaturated fat; 170mg Sodium 7%; 160mg Potassium 5%; 1g Total Carbohydrate 0%; Phosphorous 4%; (Riboflavin and Zinc not listed)

Simple Truth Chocolate Soymilk

Taste: Not very sweet, but that brings out more of the “Organic Cocoa processed with Alkali” (Literally the 4th ingredient listed.  On another note, the consistency is so thick that this not only pours slowly, but also, every bubble is surrounded by what looks like a lump.  Combined with the actual flavor, this seems closer to having chocolate pudding as a beverage.  Not too shabby.

Nutrients: 140 Calories; 3.5 Total Fat; 0.5 Saturated Fat; 105 mg Sodium 4%; 350 mg Potassium 10%; 23 g Total Carbohydrate 8%; 2g Dietary Fiber 8%; 19g Sugars; 5g Protein 10%; Calcium 30%; Iron 8%; Vitamin D 30%; Vitamin E not listed on package; Riboflavin 30%; Folate 6%; Phosphorus 4%; Vitamin B12 50%; Magnesium 10%; Zinc 4%

Blue Diamond Almond Breeze unsweetened Vanilla Almond Coconut Blend

Taste: Sea almond coconut blend is actually very rich in flavor, while many of these nut milks I’ve tried tend to be chalky and try to taste like regular milk this is definitely a mix of actual coconut in with the blandish Almond stuff. Very guy who really doesn’t like coconut, I do like this. Texture is bit just a little bit thicker than actual milk but not as thick as cream. Still plenty drinkable.

Nutrients: 40 Calories; 3.5g Total Fat; 1g Saturated Fat; 0.5g Polyunsaturated Fat; 1.5g Monounsaturated Fat; 120 mg Sodium; 170mg Potassium; 1g Total Carbohydrate; 4% Dietary Fiber; 1g Protein; 10% Vitamin A; 4% Calcium; 4% Iron; 25% Vitamin D; 50% Vitamin E; 2% Riboflavin; 2% Phosphorus; 4% Magnesium; 2% Zinc; 2% Copper; 6% Manganese;

Silk Chocolate Cashew Milk with a touch of Almond Milk.

Taste: Smoother and a bit lighter than the Chocolate Almond Milk described above.  I also tried making mac & Cheese with it, but no.  Didn’t balance quite as well.

Nutrients: 90 Calories; 3% Total Fat; 1g Monounsaturated Fat; 200 mg Sodium; 130 mg Potassium; 18g Total Carbohydrate; 1g Dietary Fiber; 16g Sugars; 1g Protein; 10% Vitamin A; 45% Calcium; 8% Iron; 25% Vitamin D; 20% Vitamin E;


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